and then it dawned on her
by howlongbeforeyoutalkaboutsand
Summary: Kylo has been spending days now to persuade Rey - newly his prisoner - to give into him when General Hux attempts to take Rey first. By force. Kylo is able to stop him, but now he is faced with a completely shattered Rey... and then this story took over me and now we're headed into a political drama. Smut still planned!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Readers, this is a fanfic to a fanfic (I know, crazy! It's like Inception, haha), so you might want to read the original fanfic first "You Will Be Mine" by melchan35 ( s/11719296/1/). Her writing is so exquisite, so I am a little anxious to publish this, but I just had to. Nevertheless, I am eagerly waiting for her to continue hers! This one is the first piece of writing I have done since years, so it certainly isn't perfect. Please drop me a review of how you liked it and if you would be interested in a sequel. Cheers!**

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While comforting Rey and helplessly witnessing the unexperienced magnitude of her sadness pouring over him, on the back of his mind he sensed rage crawling back to him. The General had ruined not only her but also all his efforts to conquer this girl. He was determined to have her willingly and now getting her consent seemed to become close to impossible. Not even deep down was there a faint wish inside of her when only days ago she was begging for him to do whatever he wanted to. Just why on heavens didn't he slay him the second he saw him? He could have had a proper excuse for doing it. Explaining that he tried to hurt their "valuable asset". He was angry at himself. He felt he had not done enough to revenge this. He went too light on him. Shackled, to take her by force, really? He despised this man even more. But for the moment he was careful to shield such thoughts from Rey. He felt she couldn't take anymore.

Rey felt her warm tears pouring down her face, completely soaking Kylo's black uniform. All her thinking about this man in the past days wouldn't prepare her for what he has done. Has he heard her cries? Her pleas? From so far away? Or was it just mere luck? What she thought was unclear. What she felt was even more unclear. His body, his mind, was so unshakeable like a rock and resting her tortured soul and body on him was a temptation she couldn't resist. She began to accept that she had reached the limits of her willpower and this was the last blow in the series of her abilities betraying her. First her body, now her soul. She thought this moment would never come, at least not like this, not so easily. She didn't know how to proceed, how to escape and with a burning shame she realized she didn't want to escape at all, as it would have meant to leave his embrace. The swirling thoughts tearing her between guilt, disgust and the disappointment in herself were all too much and this attachment towards this man she now couldn't deny any longer… She decided it was best to be numb. What was done to her was unbearable to reflect upon and her desperate call for her arch-enemy to save her completely messed up her values. Fleeing into oblivion, she turned it all off.

He started to notice that her sobbing had ceased and all she was left with was a silent emptiness. Still not lifting herself off his shoulders. What concerned the mission of Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo was done. She has turned to him in the hour of despair, she openly sought comfort in him. Her trust was entirely his. Yet he wished to keep it to himself for now, as he knew that giving it away would only toss her into a new series of torment that even he felt would be unfair in such a fragile state. The Supreme Leader would have wished to get her broken and trained and Kylo disliked the taste of the easiness of doing so. She was a fighter and he somehow wanted to give her the chance to go down with dignity if it ever came to that.

He too was speechless of the unexpected turn of events. He was so determined, with such a clear goal and urge, and now all that was shattered. He dared not to move. What had been a burning desire of lust, completely consuming him even when on duty, transformed into something much softer in him, all of a sudden. He couldn't bear to feel her pain. He had to do something. And if not killing Hux, then at least securing that he had no means to sneak into this room again.

He budged and Rey unwillingly let him go. He was looking close into her green eyes, marbled in red and slightly swollen. He sighed heavily. She was broken. Hux will have to pay for this. "I will be back in a minute." he began, though he knew it will hurt her to her bones. "There is something I have to take care of." After a few seconds of hesitation, trying to overcome her urge to yell at him not to go, she finally nodded. He still didn't dare to touch her with other than his eyes and mind. He rose from the ground and exited the room.

He went straight to the command central and revoked Hux's access to Rey's room. After a moment of hesitation, he further modified the permission, leaving only himself on the list. He pressed his lips together as he considered whether he was crossing a line here. It was not a disobedience. After all, the Supreme Leader instructed him to be the only one to be alone with the girl. God, this lawyering was getting so tiring, he thought. He never had to bend words to follow orders before.

Now that this has been done, he headed straight back, covered in concern. He already had his hand above the door opener, when a sudden idea struck him. Now that she trusted him completely, there was no need to be so fully armed. He started to discharge his weapons – and there were many. He parted himself from his lightsaber with a little hesitation, but it had to be gone. Sensing the surprise of the Stormtroopers who were guarding the door, he felt a need to explain himself but then decided not to say a word. Who were they to question him anyway? He even put down the device controlling the disc on Rey's back. He was so much stronger both physically and with the Force, he was silly not to do this sooner. It could have spared him some unwanted moments that almost jeopardized his mission. He only got away with it, because Hux made a much bigger damage. He could be thankful for him in a way, he guessed. On that thought, he slightly shivered. How could he even consider something like that? She was in so much pain, there was nothing positive about that. He placed his finger on the reader and the door clicked. Entering the room, the first time when he knew no one will be able to disturb anymore, felt relaxing. Not even in his own room was him granted such luxury.

He found Rey sitting on the ground with her arms around her shin, biting her knee bone, her back pressed to the side of the bed, consuming as little space as possible. Her eyes still watery and motionless. Even this short time was equal to the torture with the disk to her. He probed into her mind but only found cold silence. The only feeling she had was her teeth sliding on her skin. Was she dead already? He wondered. He didn't know what to do. Fixing this was not part of his repertoire. He only knew how to solve things violently. The distress of Rey was wearing on him heavily. He had become so unusually quiet too, especially after those days filled with the craze of his passion ravelling in him. He sighed again. Finally, slowly, he moved towards her. She came to her senses, noticing him and her hopeless eyes clinging immediately to his gaze. She had no power left in her to feel guilt or remorse for longing for him. He lowered himself to her, kneeling on his heels. "I have revoked the access of the General to this room. I am the only one who can open this door from now on." His voice was low and full of sorrow. He couldn't help but frown his eyebrows, still feeling her misery. She nodded. "Thank you.", she whispered and turned away her look back to the ground, going back to a glassy gaze. He wanted to caress her so much but was afraid to touch her in any way. Curse you, Hux.

They sat on the ground for a while like this, when he decided that this was no way for her to be. He stood up, extending his hand. "Come.", he said. "Get up." She turned her lifeless gaze on him, processing what was happening. He was so inviting, so supporting. She hesitated but eventually placed her small hand in his. With an ease, he lifted her like a toy and this had sent butterflies down her stomach a little. She was torn back to life. Her muffled thoughts bursting to her head. Who the hell was this man?

She tried to recollect the course of her conflicted emotions about him – from the profound hate and despise to the absolute longing for him in denial to this much unexpected an unseen side of him. She grew curious now, her biased thoughts entirely shattered. Maybe he could correct the mistakes of his comrade. Maybe that would set her free. To override this memory. She had to reconsider everything. She thought Kylo's advances were despicable, but now she knew how much he was able to contain himself. How gentle he was. She felt ashamed to have ever questioned that he wanted anything less than all of her. Oh no. He truly was obsessed with giving. Sure enough, he could have done anything with her several times, she considered again, yet he did not. She began to understand that he had a deep affection for her. She wanted to know how that came to be. She wanted to look into him again.

Kylo sensed something changing in her, the warmth of that ever blazing fire inside her soul catching spark again. The Force returning to her, swirling around her. He got focused. She was a fox, so he had to be alert. Standing face to face, for the first time, he witnessed her become curious about him. Her hate was gone. Her denial was gone. He almost felt at unease at the unexpected attention. She studied him like he had studied her before so many times. Her look was clear, tapping on him with her mind and eyes. How handsome he was. She never considered this properly before. He didn't move but stayed alert. Her mind passed into his, inspecting his soul. He felt she was attentive and respectful, like someone on a newly found planet. She didn't touch anything, just walked in him.

 _...and then it dawned on her._

She withdrew. She had discovered something unexpected. She saw light glaring through the ruptures of his darkness. Yet she didn't want to expose him to this, as she knew he couldn't comprehend yet. But something changed in her. If there was some good inside of this man, then she needn't explain herself anymore. She wouldn't betray anyone by giving in to him. Just the opposite. She only would be pulling him back more. This discovery made her so easy. Her torment came so abruptly to an end. Just like Kylo, Rey also had an excuse to give to herself for her sensual actions.

Physically, she shifted her weight a little towards him, moving so slow it almost went unnoticed, like the fairest of the wild animals. Truly like a fox, he thought. Finally, she stood close to him. She was much smaller and had to look up, and then started to turn her attention down on his body, to his waist…

"You came unarmed.", she whispered in surprise, staring at the empty place of his lightsaber. "I can easily overcome you anyway.", he answered simply. That was true. She gazed at him in almost disbelief. How many more times can he turn her ideas about him upside down? Was he enjoying putting her on a roller-coaster? This offering, this gesture to make peace only reassured her in her finding. Finally, she didn't have to contain herself.

With a swift move, she reached out and pulled down his head to kiss him. This set him ablaze. The sensual emotions erupted and filled his veins with hot lava, as he grabbed this small girl in front of her, not believing his own luck to be able to unleash everything on her that he had been holding back. She moaned a little, completely swept away by this force of him. He lifted her up in his excitement, forgetting about his own strength, and stepped to the bed to gently lay her out flat. She wasn't resisting anymore. He could sense her curiosity awaken. He stopped for a moment, observing this. It was almost too easy. Yet there it was, what he had wished for, she was ready to give herself willingly to him, moreover, asking for it. Did she really kiss him a second ago? Her change was so sudden and so much more what he has secretly wished for. The most he has hoped to achieve was her protest to cease. Actively reaching out for him was so above his imagination. The reality of that was almost too much to bear. He lowered himself on his elbows, slowly, to see how she reacted. He felt she craved him so much. The thought of tearing off their clothes and getting to the point immediately almost drove him insane. But instead, he reminded himself of how hurt this girl was. He decided against his urge. He had to take this slow. He had so much to mend in her. He kissed her with affection, down her neck, her hands on his body. She slid her fingers through his hair, onto his arms. She never knew what it felt like to touch a soldier like this. He trained a lot, that much she could make out through his uniform.

His hand crept under her shirt, touching her stomach and running on her ribs. She breathed heavily. He decided it was time to touch her with his bare hands. He leaned back and tore off his glows impatiently.

Rey had come to terms with her emotions. She felt a new mission igniting in her deep down. She thought she could use his affection for her to her advantage to escape, but she discovered the light in him. She could save him. And save the resistance. Possibly save the universe? She could turn him. Yet she was careful to hide this almost unconscious thought of him and buried it deep down where he wouldn't look.

Eagerly she waited for him to put his weight back on her and to have his skin touch hers. And she didn't have to wait long. He was still reading her mind and wanted to give it all to her. He suddenly felt matured. He knew he wanted to be careful. This previous encounter had given her so many bad ideas about what a sexual relationship between a man and a woman might be. He wanted her entirely. To burn down any thought of that disgusting man touching her. Beneath all his tenderness, he still was Kylo Ren and he still wanted full control over everything, and especially her.

He first touched her face. His fingers were sliding on her perfectly smooth cheeks, down on her breasts, to her stomach and underneath the shirt. Their faces inches apart, their eyes locked in each other, devouring every reaction of the other. His hand exploring her all the way down, sending thrills through her body. Rey rested her hands on the bed, her arms wide open, turned upwards. She wanted to let him sooth his curiosity about her body.

He broke away his gaze and pulled up her shirt a little just to see her perfect skin with his own eyes. How beautiful she was. He lowered to touch her with his lips, inhaling her. She sighed. He grew more passionate, his mind wondering how much longer he could take this exploring of her. His hands pushing the fabric further up, he devoured her and she arched her back in joy. He suddenly enclosed her athletic body in his hands, lifting her up and tearing down her shirt. She gasped. They stopped for a minute, sitting there.

Rey extended her arm and lifted his shirt a little. The fabric was soft and neatly woven, unlike anything she had ever had access to. To her, it almost felt royal. But the fabric was of secondary importance. She now wanted it all. Pushing her hands up on his strong body, she lifted the uniform with it, just to take it off in the end. He was so shredded. She started to lose her mind and for an unguarded moment, her lips parted at the view. The mere sight of his abs sent her blood boiling. He was a finely shaped weapon, even in his body. Klyo was more than satisfied with her look, suppressing a smirk. He felt triumphant. Now he had no doubts she wanted him just as bad as he wanted her.

With a gentle push, he sent her back to the bed. He was on top of her, their naked bodies meeting and he bit her neck and lips, feeling his craze taking over him. Rey wanted to feel his muscles, one by one she ran her fingers on them. She never touched a human male like this, she never imagined it had so much detail in it. Even his back was interesting, the two pillars of his muscles enclosing the valley of his spine. She slid her hand down on his bones. Kylo felt his skin shiver under her touch. Did she train all her life to make him go crazy?

His hands moved down, to the thighs, and further down. "I'm gonna make this right, Rey.", he growled in her ears, while he caressed her in a spot he now was familiar with. "You won't remember anything but joy, anything but me when you think of this day. I will see to that." That was exactly what she had hoped for.

Sensing her demand, he undid her bra and pulled down her torn pants. He left her underwear intact though. It drove him insane to hold back, but he feared to scare her. He considered that ripping off all her clothes at once would have been too much for her.

Her body almost entirely exposed, he started to discover her more. He slid up his hands in a tight grip on her strong legs, feeling the outline of her muscles. Every ounce of her was so mesmerizing. He had to taste her more. Grabbing her round bottoms, he sunk his teeth into her skin, leaving love bites on her stomach, then on the inner side of her thigh. Her skin was much softer there if that was even possible. He could smell the scent of her essence. She gasped. It was a perfect mixture of joy and pain. She felt he was an animal inside, a wolf in a sheep's clothing. It scared her a little, but she couldn't help to picture him eventually going down on her with all his force. Good Lord, when he heard that. This girl was naughty! Did she just really think of that? He emerged from between her thighs to look at her face in astonishment, to see whether this had reflected on her. She bit her lips on that thought. Kylo was in disbelief of having caught her so intimately with her subtle wishes. It was so incredibly sexual. He had to taste those lips that muffled those nasty thoughts. He plunged on her hungrily.

His hand was pulled downward like by a magnet and when he slid his hand on her bare pussy, he already felt how wet she was. Sweet lord. This girl was in need of a fuck. He pulled down her underwear and now she lay naked in front of him. Strong and radiant. His was bluffed and overjoyed at the same time. He wanted to reflect more, as it took him so awfully long to achieve this but he was torn apart by the desire that exploded within him.

Knowing that she wished for it, he went down on her with all his passion. Rey writhed and moaned, his hands claiming her. He was done playing nice. Her head was only filled with him. He slid down his middle finger where she liked it so much, but this time, he was not stopping. He halted for the fraction of a second and then slowly pushed his finger into her. He was inside her. This was so much better than he ever could dream of. She already whimpered. She forgot to reflect on his every move, to narrate the fact that it was the first time to everything. He felt graced. No man had touched her like this before. He could very well feel her hymen. He slowly started to move his hand up and down and steadied himself on his hand over her face. Her eyes were shut, she was completely overtaken by what was happening. He wanted more of this. Carefully, not to hurt her, he added speed, reading her mind's every desire. She whimpered uncontrollably, grabbing his hand that was next to her head. He placed his thumb on her clit and continued pushing her. She was enjoying this so much. Being touched at two spots at the same time. He was in total control of her. He needed not to have second thoughts. But he didn't want her to cum yet. He turned her on her stomach, exposing her from behind. He bit on her neck and placed his fingers back into her. That annoying device on her back was disturbing and he wanted all of her, but he had no idea how to take it off without hurting her. So he decided to continue to make her moan. Yet he slowed his hands. He wanted her so bad now. Rey was half unconscious, but she sensed him halting back. She turned. He was still clothed from the belly down. She knew it would be her turn to undress him, and she wanted to, were it not for her scare of what she might see, how she would feel if she undid his pants. "Don't you dare think of what you have seen before.", Kylo lashed out at her with sudden rage.

With a peremptory move, he spun her around to her stomach again, placing back his fingers where they belonged. With his other hand, he undid his trousers. He held her mind firmly in the present, not letting her sway to any ridiculous, unwanted moment. He was now naked too. He didn't plan to enter her from the behind for the first time, but she could have been derailed at the sight of her manhood because of what had happened earlier. He lowered himself on her back inch by inch. She felt him pulsating. She was little nervous. She wondered whether and how much it is going to hurt, how it might feel like. Did he do this often? Was she his first too? Am I going to bleed? Nevertheless, she was ready to accept him. She craved him. He certainly would do everything to make this enjoyable for her, right? She had no idea anyway how to instruct him what to do, and placed herself at his mercy.

He carefully entered her, causing her to let out a loud, surprised inhale. It was so unfamiliar to her, straining her muscles apart. Despite the light unease, she felt herself going wet over it. He growled in joy. It thrilled him to no end. She was so warm and tight, trembling for more. Now all he had to do was to make good on his promise to her. To deliver her the immense bliss he wanted. It was no easy task considering that it was her first time. But he was now determined to finish what he has started.

He moved slowly, feeling her squeeze on him and hearing her moan. He was furious to see her face. He brushed her hair to one side and placed himself on her back, to be close to her voices at least. He sensed her nervousness. He bit her neck to distract her as he pushed himself deeper, his finger circling on her clit. Now she was in joy. Good lord, she was wet like a lake. He felt he had approached her untouched parts. But he needed to finish this.  
With all his mind concentrating on guiding her thoughts towards bliss, he pushed her, rupturing the thin veil. She sensed this and shivered under a cry, but she was quickly over it as he continued to distract her from the pain. Now she was ready to be taken to the furthest point of the galaxy. But he wanted to see her face. The last time he couldn't witness her cumming, only from the reactions of her body. It was breathtaking that time but he needed more. He withdrew himself and turned her on her back. The sight of her almost unconscious, blushed face filled with lust and greed took him by surprise and made him only more dedicated to his plan. He advanced and pushed himself into her. It went already so much easier than moments ago. He could follow the path of his member mirrored on her face. She let out the same, surprised gasp like before. She was his. He reclined on his elbows, placing them above the shoulders of Rey so she was locked tightly. He began to push himself slowly and with all his force made himself turn to kiss her neck instead of her mesmerizing eyes to put her even more at ease. Her hands were all over him, in his raven hair, on his strong back, embracing his body in a caress he never could dream of. Oh, how much he wanted to do this right. To bliss her even though it was her first time. He focused all his willpower on this. No bad move. And at the same time, he sensed himself turning to almost a tool to achieve his goal. She was faintly whimpering in his ears. Her hands digging into his flesh and hair. He read her mind and quickened, it was the right spot. Her cries became stronger and louder, and he was also panting. She was completely lost, seeing only blackness and hearing her own lustful sounds. He felt so good. She prayed he wouldn't stop. He held her tight with his elbows, entering her to the maximum of her anatomy. She was getting the taste of this lust. Just in time, as he felt it was getting harder and harder to contain his release. She drove him crazy. Her hands tightened on his neck, pulling his ears to her moaning mouth, he couldn't hear anything else. She was getting closer. He pushed her more, following her unspoken wishes. For a few seconds, he lost himself in her. He wanted to see it. He got himself up to his hand on one side, only to meet her half closed eyes. She wanted him to see it too, his well earned reward of his desire taking shape in front of his eyes. She was so close. Again. He quickened and tossed her a little to place. She felt his weight on herself, so safe, his body turning her on. His face was so full of lust over her.

God, Kylo. More. Her release was upon her.

She closed her eyes. Her body screamed joy. This was otherworldly.

Only for a split of the second, he was able to see her, because the wave that he sent through her body took him so forcefully, he also released. He moaned. It took him by surprise. Although he was so focused on this being her first time, it was his too. It swept him away like a tsunami. He heard Rey's cries of joy like from far away, her hands closing on his body to find support. She saw stars, her inside exploding. This was so much more powerful than last time. She felt her eyes filling with the tears of joy. Writhing uncontrollably, she whimpered for what seemed to her an eternity. Her body had taken over her. She started to wind down on her climax. Why did she refuse this in the first place?

He felt the unfamiliar feeling of his power leaving him. He collapsed on her, trying not to crush her. They stayed there for a few moments, still united. Their panting slowed. Rey run her hands through his dark hair. He didn't lie. He really gave her all she wanted. And more.

Kylo lifted his head, his somewhat foggy eyes observing the bliss on her face. He kissed her and removed himself from her gently at the same time. He never thought any moment further than this, but now he knew it was not enough. He felt like he couldn't observe her thoroughly enough. He needed to do this again.

Rey still had her eyes closed, floating in her absolution. Her thirst for this man was quenched. Her torment over. Her thoughts cleared. He had set him free.

He was on top of her, but clearly, she wasn't disturbed the slightest by it. He searched her mind with a pinch of guilt. He felt that it was inappropriate to do so since she was so lost, but he needed to dwell in her mental space too. This overwhelming joy he gave her made him feel accomplished. She was so full of him. Suddenly, he became aware of a thought fragment. He started to follow it, carefully. Like a lightening, the revelation came.

She wanted to turn him.

This chilled him to his bones. Was she using him? Did she only give in to follow a master plan? How was she capable of such a dark plan? Was there any need at all to turn her? Wasn't she a Sith already? He almost felt ridiculous as a villain. He was so puzzled, he didn't know how to react. He needed some distance. He sat up on the bed, but unable to move further. He was perplexed. Rey sensed this and quickly arouse. "What did you do?" His voice was like someone choked him. Rey tried to read him because she had no idea what he meant, but he pushed her away. She knew he must have dug deeper than she anticipated he would and must have found out her secret.

Kylo felt raging anger whirl up in him. How dare she use him like that? And that for the second time?! That ridiculous thought of hers. He was solid as a rock in his choice, in his power. An urge came upon him to get up and leave her open just like that. Ere he could act upon it, his mind felt a strong push in the Force. It was Rey. She looked in his eyes sternly. She was so strong. Her moaning made him forget about that. "Don't you see?', she said. She was completely changed. She had so much grace in her, even so exposed. She didn't mind anymore. "I want you." This earnest and simple statement made his heart skip a beat. What was she saying? Just what? He couldn't help but stare at her, his eyes wide open. He froze. He never expected her to be in so much control of him. "I want you, Kylo Ren.", she affirmed. She never called him by his name before. She only called him names. What happened to her? Did he do this? Did he unleash this upon himself? He felt the control slipping from him by the second. She was way out of line here and as a stubborn fighter she was, Kylo feared he had little hope to get her back in without violence. That clever, fox of a scavenger girl. The roles have changed and now she was in control and God she loved that.

She couldn't hold back her affection anymore, she wanted to return him at least a little of what he has given her. She treated him so unfairly. She moved closer to this puzzled man until she was in his lap. She took his head and kissed him, causing him to take her into his arms. "I feel the light coming to the surface in you. It wants to emerge. I can help. I want you to be mine, Ben Solo.", she whispered in his ears, causing chill running down his spine upon hearing his long-forgotten name.

Her words cut through him. The light inside of him. He secretly admitted that she was speaking the truth. He had sensed something to be off within himself since he met Rey, but he gave himself the excuse that it was because he so desperately wanted to unite their bodies. Now that this was done, this conjecture crawled back to him. Her clarity, which exceeded his over his own relationship with the Force left him breathless. He closed his eyes in dismay. By doing that, the lack of sleep weighted heavily on him suddenly. He felt sedated. He should have said something, protest even, and were it not for his affection, he most certainly would have considered choking her to death, but he couldn't. Her radiating warmth was too addictive. Just like mind-reading wasn't a one-way thing, taming was also working both ways.

She felt how drained he was. Kylo was trying to force his eyes open again, but they resisted. He needed rest and he needed it now. Sleeping here sure was a tempting thing, but what would happen if they were calling him to duty and wouldn't find him or worse, find him here, as they were? Then he remembered that no one could open that door but him… and his dilemma didn't get easier with an ounce. How much longer could he keep this "secret" of him possibly running? It was a great wonder that Snoke didn't find out yet or at least hasn't questioned him about how his mission to win over the girl was going.  
Rey felt how tormented he was over staying or leaving. She let out a long, nervous exhale through her nose, collecting her courage, then she pulled him down to the bed. There was no way she was going to let him leave when he just had deflowered her. He had to pay his toll and if that toll was the risk of being caught, then it had to be. Kylo had no power to resist her. She most certainly would feel so used if he left and would want to slaughter him again. The excuse to win her trust was always working.

They laid there, her head on his chest, hearing his heart beating just inches away from her. He did have a heart after all. At least anatomically, she thought. He already was falling asleep, fleeing her every word. She studied his pale skin, his black hair, his lips. She had him just as much as he had her. As absurd it was, she felt safe in his arms, for the first time in her life. If keeping your enemies close was an advice to follow, she was an overachiever. She wasn't sure how literal she should have gone with this, but the fact was, now that Kylo Ren was sleeping in her arms, there were not many people she had to worry about trying to kill her. On that thought, she closed her eyes. She let out a relieved sigh. He felt his polished skin under her fingers, his strong hands on her. With a faint smile, she fell to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**I was thinking a lot about how to continue this story** **because it was supposed to be a therapy session for myself, but then I decided that I wanted to expand. Let's say the previous chapter happened when Rey went to Kylo and they had some extra time waiting for Snoke to arrive. I was really impatient getting to a part where Kylo can reflect on her. There are some moral things that I was thinking about for some time. Trigger warning: no sex :) but I will make up for that later. So this is all post-TLJ. I previously posted this as a separate story but I felt it would be more appropriate here. Reviews are welcome in any form!**

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Deafening Silence

Kylo was catching his breath in the library. He knew this place well, designed for one purpose only: to get in touch with the Force. To learn about it. To master it. It belonged to Snoke, but for a few days, like everything else, now it was his. He walked alongside the tall and packed shelves, only to recite every category and book in his mind like a poem. He knew them by heart and felt the energy vibrate from them.

The circles he now was walking felt familiar from the time when he started his training with Snoke and he welcomed this help. He wasn't able to calm himself without any support. His mind was a turmoil and the constantly burning inferno inside of him threatened to get out of control. It already showed when he almost choked Hux to death back in the throne room.

He wasn't meant to be ready for this. And he wasn't. He questioned whether Snoke really intended him to ever be ready for this. He betrayed him, just like every hero in his life, he now knew that.

The act of killing Snoke was foolish. It was selfish. It was everything he was not supposed to be. It was motivated by emotions, an act born out of fear – a fear for somebody that he barely knew yet knew too well.

Rey.

This scavenger girl, who came from nothing, quite literally only dust. She herself was like sand, covering him molecule by molecule, dampening his senses. He heard rumours that his grandfather used to say he hated sand. A bizarre idea. But now he felt what he meant by that. Rey. His personal sandstorm. Suffocating him, yet there was no hiding.

He offered her the galaxy, yet she refused. Of course, she had.

She was just a rootless scavenger girl, who had become so important for everyone all of a sudden. All her life she was used to blending in the sand, her clothes, her attitude, they all matched that lifeless planet she somehow made bear fruits for her. That's who she was. Breathing life into hopelessly lifeless things - into him. But being Queen – Empress? – was a responsibility she wasn't yet prepared to take on. He knew that quite well. Although he saw her for what she was, her immense power, her fierce and stout heart, his true equal, she didn't yet believe she actually had a say in the course of the galaxy. She frowned when she had to decide on the fate of millions in a second. When he extended his hand to her, she had so much power suddenly, his fate, the course of this endless war seemingly depending only upon her decision. It was the moment she could decide the fate of the universe. Who was she to make this decision for all those people? She wasn't prepared for that. She wasn't raised being told to be significant like him. So she did what she could - she fled. She fled him, she fled that choice, no matter by what she justified her actions, that was the truth behind it. Kylo thought that this was her reason and he couldn't find it in himself to blame her.

The fact that she also let him down hurt him more. He thought for a second that finally, somebody would put faith in him when he was weak when he was tipping, but no. She didn't.

He inhaled deeply and with a sudden determination sat down to the meditation space. He needed this whole thing gone as soon as possible. He was a leader that had not merited his place and he needed to steady his power immediately. He miserably failed to take control on Crait because of his heated temper. The fact that the Resistance was reduced to a handful of soldiers had bought him some time and he could choke Hux into submission any time, but the clock was running out on him nevertheless. He needed loyalty and not fear to cement his power.

He started his breathing exercises, counting to four on the inhale, holding on, four, releasing on eight.

He was torn back to the throne room when he connected to the Force. It had turned on him and carried him back to a place that he came to forget. Like the Force wanted him to face what he had done.

He saw himself kneeling on the floor, witnessing Snoke bulldoze the forest of Rey's mind. Her inner planet was torn down like Starkiller Base, exploding wherever Snoke put his hands. While he always was gentle with her, manoeuvring around in her labyrinth, his master blew up everything in his way to comb through for any information he could find. Rey's brain began to turn to mush. She was trying, but the walls she built were nothing but a child's play. She was no match for Snoke's strength.

He shivered. He remembered only too well what he was thinking amid his horror and seemingly emotionless face in that moment.

He wanted to convince himself that she was a stranger anyway, a convenience he now could throw away. He had his fun with her. He had taken from her everything he wanted. Everything she _had_. Her body, her mind, her trust, her strength. Yet he knew it was a lie. He had known her better than anyone before. _She_ had known him better than anyone before. Better than his own master. Better than he knew himself. Her attention bore to the essence of his being, not stopping, ripping him apart, examining each piece of him, like she used to dig through the cadavers of old ships, determining what was valuable and what not. What had a value, she would save. The last bits of his Light. A scavenger.

He felt Rey's pain and it was unbearable. He had unleashed this on her when he betrayed her trust in the most despicable way there was. He now understood that Snoke has never planned any of that what happened between them like he believed when he left Rey after their steamy encounter. After she gave herself to him so willingly. After she placed her trust in him. He seemed to revenge every pleasure he gave her disproportionately. Why kept he doing this?

Oh, how he regretted handing her over! He wished it was him Snoke tortured, though witnessing and feeling Rey's pain was his own personal purgatory. His living nightmare. His disgust towards himself made him want to throw up. All because of a silly dream he had by her side. Where she saved him from drowning. Where he heard her soft voice calling him.

Back then he thought that his master had sent him to grow stronger. That he knew he would fall for this scavenger girl and then finish her off. Like he finished off his father. Snoke told him that he would grow stronger on the Dark Side. That also came back to him. But Snoke wasn't the mastermind he saw him for. He just misused him, for his power, for his ability to connect with Rey in their solitude and deep-rooted cry to finally have a partner in their life.

At the same time, his heart was racing out of an entirely different concern. When is he going to find out about them?

That's when he noticed that Snoke shied away from the bright light of Rey's Force. He couldn't read her there.

He now understood how their secret affair remained hidden from Snoke. It was covered by the Light within Rey - and also him. That's what she saw back then in the room. His feelings for her were the raptures in his darkness. Their bond was pure, unlike anything he ever experienced. To that, Snoke had no access. He wasn't a Sith master, only a user of the Dark Side. It was beyond his abilities to see through the Light. That's why Kylo had to become a Sith - to be able to read her and stand up against any remaining Jedi. Against her.

As the pieces clicked to form the picture, Kylo had his intentions set.

Rey was his and his alone.

Kylo knew he could hide what he felt in the Light and he hid the Light behind a thick layer of Darkness. He felt his master was drunk on victory. He didn't care. So he let him read his feelings, his deep hatred. But not its direction.

With his other hand, he reached for his uncle's lightsabre and it obeyed him this time, not like back in the forest.

He didn't think about that in the moment, but now, examining everything as from an outer perspective, it was clear to him that were it not for his burning need to protect Rey, the lightsabre would never have obeyed him. It was a Jedi sabre, and he only could control it because he acted on defence. There was nothing, he felt, which would make up for his utter betrayal of Rey, but even if he was not going to find redemption, he had to end this.

A sudden flash cut the picture and he was back on the route with Rey, taking her to Snoke. Why did the Force torture him like this? Wasn't his regret that tore holes in him enough?

He towered above her small frame, his strong body and rage that filled him were more than frightening to watch, even for himself.

"Oh, so you think you're so much better than me? Have you thought about what sets us apart? What justifies your killing any more than mine? Why would it be nobler for you to kill me than for me to kill you? It's not like you prayed for the souls of the Stormtroopers you kill! Your little friend, Finn. You would have murdered him without hesitation with his mask on. Now that he has joined the "good side", you are all over him, ready to sacrifice your life!"

Rey's eyes widened, as she understood how deep he went in her mind.

"Yes, I've seen that in you too!", he spat at her. He resented her feelings for that defector but now he was carried on by the heat of his lecture.

"You were ready to kill me too until you saw my face, my being and immediately your hand – or should I say your body? — trembles.", he voice was dripping with loathing.

"You think I don't know that you have been giving yourself the excuse of hoping to " _save_ " me just to dissolve your inner conflict over giving into me? And then again, you used my affection for you, my only weakness you could find to your advantage, not once, but twice! Look into yourself, Rey! Do you really think you are so unspoiled?", he took a deep breath as he raged on.

"You justify your actions just as much with a "greater purpose" as I do! Yet you think you are more than me. Is a Jedi or a Sith worse, when they are both ready to kill for their goals? When my own _uncle_ , a reclaimed _Jedi master_ , was ready to kill me as a child the second he sensed me tipping – in my _sleep_?", he was panting by then.

"Answer me!", he yelled at her the order. Rey winced as he was nearly spitting on her face, yet she steadies herself in defiance. He couldn't help but admire seeing her in that situation. Her stout heart is what made him weak. He watched himself carry on with a calmer voice now.

"Do you really think that there is a difference ultimately in being a Sith or a Jedi? All they want is to master the power! To remove any boundaries to their abilities. Have you considered what the victory of the resistance would mean? Order? Justice? Fairness? Or rather ultimate chaos. They have no idea how to whirl up some support for their war, let alone how to rule an _entire_ _galaxy!",_ he scoffed.

"But, of course, how could you know this, you have no education whatsoever, let alone on military strategy or politics."

His burning desire to belittle this girl that he admired so much got the better of him.

"Your strength without training means nothing. Your power without knowledge is useless. You are not in here for the long run. You only see the short term. Kill me now and all your problems go away? You magically walk away from here? And what would your so-called friends do about you? You are only a convenient tool they found, hoping to shape it into a weapon. They don't care about you! Your force is all that matters to them. They are waging a war, for God's sake! No time for patting an orphan girl."

Now he really got carried away as he felt alienating her from himself relieved him and gave him back the control over his emotions that have long dissolved in his growing admiration for this girl. He knew he was pressing on her sensitive spots, going deeper with every step and burning her where she felt it the most. Increasing his torture. That's what he was trained for, and he was good at it, even if he didn't realize his methods so consciously.

Jedi, friends.

Family.

"They are not your family, you hope that in vain. They are gone, and they will never return. We both know better than to put our faith in family. They haven't supported you, nor me. It is the choice that can save you. You cannot choose your family. You only can choose your allies. And I am your only ally in here, Rey, possibly in the whole universe. Luke didn't want to train you, I would. Everybody wants you dead, I don't. Your rebel friends have not come to save you, I did."

He saw that Rey grew defiant under his speech. She was done listening. That sweet rebel scum.

"Don't you give me this lecture on life, _Kylo Ren_ , I know you want me to sway to the dark side to be _your_ weapon! And I'd rather die.", her voice was just as determined as his, her eyes spitting sparks.

He would never make her bow.

The scene shifted again and Kylo steeled himself for the emotional hell the Force saw it fit to throw him in.

But there was nothing. Nothing. The humming disappeared so abruptly. The humming of the Force he was so used to from his small age, was gone.

Deafening silence.

 _Rey_.

What have I done?


	3. Chapter 3

**With not much fuss this time: here you go! It was hard for me to get into Rey's head, but I tried! You are more than welcome to tell me how this turned out. Please remember to review, I'm living for your feedback :) and favs and follows are also warmly welcome!**

Iron Lady

Rey set the coordinates of their next destination, set the autopilot and leaned back into the seat. It would take quite some time for them to reach the planet they eyed for. They had to run far and fast and the perimeter of the First Order's reach was not in the neighbourhood. Their previous stop was way too dangerous – dangerously close both for them and for their secret supporters. They were helped but not welcome. After filling up their supplies, they left.

It was her turn to pilot and Chewie and Leia were in the back, resting. Leia has not yet fully recovered from practically coming back from the dead _and_ enduring the battle on Crait _and_ the loss of her brother _and_ the hope of getting back her son.

Kylo. _Ben_. She forced herself to call him that.

She inhaled nervously. Suddenly, it was just all too calm around her and this tension that she sensed building up in her body made her understand why Ben lashed out on lifeless things. But she wasn't like him, the _slightest_ , she thought defiantly. Her body was worn, but her soul was whirling so she grabbed her staff and looked for a place to work out, ignoring the protest of her organs. The staff was a painful reminder of the throne room where she lost the lightsaber she had. The only lightsaber she could find. That she… stole? No, that lightsaber has not chosen Ben. He was lost to it. He was on the Dark Side. Or was he?

At least while they were busy running for their lives, she didn't have to reflect on the time she has spent aboard of the Supremacy. Those days, maybe a week, packed with such an intensity, even compared to the pace of a war, she couldn't catch her breath. Now, they had a break.

She sighed deeply and closed her eyelids, her hands gently massaging her temples. Her head ached.

His eyes. She always saw them when she closed hers. Those deep, almost black eyes. Pleading for her not to go. Begging…

A cold chill ran down her spine, and this sent her back to her form.

She felt like she had betrayed him, but she immediately argued with herself. What was she supposed to do? Stay with this man who had misused her? That fucking coward. That dream. She told him, she wanted him and then what? He took her to Snoke. He let that creature torture her. And then killed him… for _that_? Or for his own sake?

She violently crashed her staff against her baggage that she used as a dummy.

No.

She already panted from this light exercise, her heart was protesting. Sweat formed on her forehead from the effort.

Or… not _yet_?

When he extended his hand, she knew he didn't just mean as business partners… but to leave everything behind, everything that came close to a family, to a purpose in her life just like that… he was way too unstable for that.

She wasn't sure what to think of him. There were just too many aspects to him. His gentle side when he touched her, she felt how graced he was. That burning desire inside of him was more than just biological attraction. When they united in physical space, she felt the burn mark on her soul, the biting loneliness disappear. She felt he rested his soul in hers too. She felt the heat rise in her stomach a little upon recalling that memory, but she shoved it aside and went back to practice.

She turned on her heels and stung the bag precisely in the middle.

His words came back to her when he was yelling at her in the elevator. She felt her whole heart torn out. She felt betrayed. All this time she thought she could put up with him and right after giving into him, hoping that he would be brought back, he laid out his cards. She was not enough. She was never going to be his true equal. Even if she was strong with the Force, even if she mastered all martial arts, even if she, at last, would truly become a Jedi, she would never be enough. She was just a girl from the desert, a kriffing scavenger and he was an intellectual. His military education already showed the battle on Crait was nothing more but a direct annihilation. Their upbringing were galaxies apart – he was trained by the finest masters, raised to be a leader and her, well… she was her own master. Expert on… what? Ships maybe? Cooking instant bread?

He was right, she wasn't ready. Everything he said was true. He said it to hurt her, to compel her, but it was nonetheless _true_. She needed a teacher indeed. She was used to teach herself everything and she was good at it but this... Becoming a Jedi and a general wasn't something you could learn on a trial-and-error-base.

She had the books but no Jedi master to explain her and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't decipher what was in there. The lighsaber was broken and she had no means to repair it. About warfare she knew nothing, barely how shoot with the blaster and above all that she was in the freaking hyperspace running like a Fathier on the tracks.

 _Unless…_ she stopped the swing before it could hit the target.

She had his mother. Right here, right now. A princess. A general. A diplomat. A politician. Leia already was everything she had to become in order to face Supreme Leader Kylo Ren in a war. With the Force… that was another question and Leia would be no help in that anyway. But would she be willing to teach her? Would she know at all how to pass on her vast knowledge? Was their relationship not way too complicated for that?

She swung her staff anew.

Oh, his mother! What would she tell her if she ever dared to ask about her son? That it was at his hands she felt the peaks and lows of her life? His hands that gave her a bliss so strong her soul separated from her body, just to be punished by an equal pain again at his hands? That it was his existence that sent her blood boil, made her forget there was a war, his scent that intoxicated her like a bottle of Quanya? That she resented him for killing his father, for murdering for fun, for falling for the Dark Side?

Her mind raged. She noticed suddenly, that she was reaching out to that rage, allowing it to blend in her practice. Her hits were strong and precise, way more so than it would have been justified by her exhausted body.

She frowned.

So easy… So easy it is to channel the Dark Side. She didn't notice all this anger, all this hurt inside of her up until now. So easy… even for her. Ben had so many more occasions where his heart was betrayed. At such fragile age… They were so alike.

She fell to her knees. Her body trembled, refusing to take any more of her anger. It was her turn to fly, so she dragged herself back to the cockpit.

She would put up with him. She would stop him. The anger crawled back to her, forming a determination. She didn't notice this time, she put her head into the forbidden zone of the Force. She would learn from her mistakes. She would…

That's when it hit her. She gasped.

The back of her mind, where she felt Kylo's mind connect to hers, ached. Then she didn't feel him anymore. Her eyes teared up, the wind knocked out of her lounges, her mouth wide open to force in some oxygen, but she just couldn't.

For a few seconds, her mind went blank, she felt she was going to suffocate.

Then she remembered how to breathe. She hyperventilated.

Nonononono! NO! It can't be! He can't be gone!

If the connection was lost, she had no ways to predict what he was up to. She had no way to go back to him. There was no access to that secret in-between place. She would be alone again. Alone in this kriffing universe, in this neutral, cold darkness. There was no _them_ anymore.

A deep fright took over her. If she was not there, he would not turn away from the dark. He would become what he was raised to be – Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. On the opposite side, she had to be strong.

She had to start her training. Now.

Swinging up from the chair and wiping down her tears, she headed to the cabin of Leia.

It was time to talk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi there people! First of all, thanks for still following this story, and I really appreciate your reviews! :) Please continue to give it to me** **. ;) There are two kind-of cameos of Adam Driver in this, I wonder if you notice. And that poem belongs OFC, to the brilliant Ron Padgett. This one in the beginning to Jean Valentine. Otherwise, everything else is entirely my creation and I am forever grateful to SW Wookipedia. There is a good deal of deliberate thinking in this, I hope this all adds up in the end! Sadly, I have no betas, but you are welcome to correct if it too far-fetched.**

* * *

 _In the Library_

 _Light drifts across the ceiling_

 _as if we are under water_

 _—_ _whoever would approach you_

 _you changed the comer_

 _You holding on to the front of my coat_

 _with both hands, the last time I saw you_

 _—_ _I felt your death coming close_

 _—_ _the change in your red lips_

 _You gave me your hand._

 _You pulled me out of the ground._

He suddenly became aware of the reality, his body stiff like a rock, his hands rolled into a fist so tightly he barely felt his fingers. He was sure that underneath the gloves they were white.

He didn't open his eyes yet. He was terrified.

What would he be without the Force? Everything he ever was, was because of his incredible power with the Force. If he were to lose that now...

Now was not a good time. 30 years ago, _that_ would have been a _great_ time. Then he just would have been like any other child, his parents would not have sent him away, his uncle would not have tried to kill him. But he knew that it was all wishful thinking. Even without his power, his family's faith was too intertwined with politics. His mother was neck deep in that. His father still would have been a smuggler and his uncle a Jedi master. His grandfather, Darth Vader. They would have dismissed him for entirely different reasons. Without the Force within him, he still would have had a neglected childhood. At least this way he was significant - if for all the wrong reasons.

There was no easy way out of this. This was a pipe he has put himself into and the only way out was through getting it done. Rey seemed like a way to redemption until she decided to throw that away.

He opened his eyes and listened to his breath. That silence... That silence terrified him.

He shakily stumbled to his feet. Did he lose the Force? He eyed for a book on the shelf, wanting to move it but then he was too scared to find out whether or not he could. He preferred to keep that box closed, not to see if the cat was alive or dead.

He got angry at himself suddenly. Had he not learned better? To lose the Force... How dumb. You can't _lose_ it! It's _everywhere_! His genetics were right, nothing could change that but death. And alive he still was.

He collected himself and closed his eyes to concentrate. First, it was still dead silent. Then, with a time the rustle of his breath was joined by another whirr. It was there. Faint, but it was there. This ever-flowing river. Omnipotent. Surrounding him. Surrounding the personnel on the ship, the ship, the empty space around it. He saw it.

But there was no humming. Something inside of him must have changed after all.

He wanted to understand. If he didn't understand, he couldn't counter it.

He went back to reconstruct what just has happened. The Force made him think about Rey in his meditation. She mended that anger, that solitude in him from where he drew the Dark Side, but simple affection was not enough to turn to the Light. He wanted to be on the top of the galaxy and equally badly on top of her. She had ruined him. She took away his control over himself. He hated her for that, but it was because of her and with her help, he became the Supreme Leader. She left him but not before giving him everything she had. He had betrayed her, he had saved her.

The light and the dark inside of him clashed so heavily, his soul couldn't take it anymore. That regret, that burning shame mingled with an accusing anger of her betrayal and that magnetic _affection._ Torn between all these. Neither of the approaches he had learned were right to decide upon Rey. He hated her. He wanted her.

He still had the Force, he felt is, but being so torn over from which side to channel it made it impossible to command it.

He dug his hands into his thick black hair in frustration, his paces becoming longer and energetic when with a growl of a caged animal he hit the wall just to feel his knuckles break.

Yeah, that was a start. That pain. He had to go back to that pain. He had to go back to the start. Back to basics.

He determinedly walked over to the section of the books of his religion, pulling out the _Book of Sith_. It already made him feel a lot better. This would be the key. He just had to reinforce himself once more. He opened it to face the credo he knew so well. _Qotsisajak_.

 _Peace is a lie. There is only Passion._

 _Through Passion I gain Strength._

 _Through Strength I gain Power._

 _Through Power I gain Victory._

 _Through Victory my chains are Broken._

 _The Force shall free me._

How _right_ this felt! So much better than the Jedi teachings. There is a clear path to a clear goal. Real talk for real folks.

Jedi… On that thought, he glanced to the section where they kept copies of the Jedi books. It's been at least a decade since he touched any of them. But now, he felt the time was right. He remembered asking Snoke why he kept Jedi books. He said, to underestimate your enemy is false. He wanted to convince his student that the Jedi were wrong. He wanted to reason him into believing, to see for himself that what they required from their followers was insane. That the Jedi path was not one worth walking. _Kylo_ , he once said, _your existence is the very proof of that. The decedent of a former Jedi Knight._ Snoke was wise to have caution with the Jedi. He only underestimated his allies, he thought sarcastically, while he opened the _Journal of the Whills_. Right under the cover, the words that were carved into the flesh of his soul as a child sprung at him.

 _There is no emotion, there is peace._

 _There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._

 _There is no passion, there is serenity._

 _There is no chaos, there is harmony._

 _There is no death, there is the Force._

The memories that erupted amid reading the words were unexpected. This was a text hard to decipher. He always had a certain distaste towards its complicated, elevated style.

He laid out the books next to each other on a table. Are any of these going to give an answer to this turmoil? An answer after Rey?

 _"_ _No emotion"._ He scoffed. Well, at least that can be discarded. He _definitely_ felt _something_ for her. And he wasn't at peace, _it was "a lie. There is only passion"._ That came closer to his liking. His passion for Rey truly made him stronger. It was through this passion he ascended to the throne of power. But victory… What would be a victory? Ruling the galaxy? Annihilating the Resistance? Sure. But true victory would be if she _were_ to agree. He had long learned, contrary to his initial belief, he indeed could _not_ take whatever he wanted. There was something he couldn't take unless it was given him. That one thing, he wanted the most – ironically precisely because he couldn't just take it. Her consent. Her loyalty. Her companionship. Without that, he felt he still wouldn't be free. Still a slave to his emotions. In that way, the Sith code, albeit it came further to answer his question, did not lead to ultimate truth. He wouldn't find his freedom in this.

His eyes fell on the Jedi credo again. " _There is no chaos, there is harmony"._ The chaos inside of him had a certain harmony to it, he had to admit. It was perfectly balanced. So much, he couldn't really command the Force anymore. The passion he felt for Rey was unlike anything. He remembered how much he was able to restrain himself, something he would never have expected from himself. He often threw tantrums, leaving a good deal of repair works behind him. But with Rey… despite this urge to just have her, to _take her_ … he couldn't bring himself to do that. It was not a passion in the sense of the Sith. There was a certain amount of serenity to it. But he couldn't deny the passion side entirely either…

He exclaimed in desperate frustration as he realized he could continue this argumentation forever. The two sides were equally balanced.

He needed the command over the Force back. He was not kriffing going to let Hux just take everything from him.

"FUCK!" He swept the books to the ground with a growl.

He started walking again, looking at the books. There was so much knowledge, so many great thoughts assembled here, he should find something, _anything_ that could resolve this stalemate within him. Snoke hid things from him before, he was sure he hid things from him in the library. Like a restricted book section or something?

He was on the hunt again. He carefully combed through every shelf, listening to the Force. It drew him to one, which was exactly at eye level for him. The Imperial Handbook in several editions, some military strategy. Behind them, much smaller books turned to the side.

Hide in _kriffin'_ PLAIN. SIGHT. Snoke, that genius bastard.

He impatiently threw the military tomes on the ground – not his favorites anyway – and extracted the small books. They didn't even have a title and resembled more to a journal, to a personal notebook than to a real book.

That was interesting. He opened one.

 _"_ _A critical approach to Jediism, by Jolee Bindo",_ he read. What the hell? Isn't that equal to the Siths?

He flipped through the pages when a poem hit his eyes.

 _I go through / trillions of molecules/ that move aside/ to make way for me/ while on both sides/ trillions more / stay where they are._

He rolled his eyes. Stars, a wannabe poet… the Jedi were really weak fools. In this very moment, he was glad he burned his calligraphy books with the Jedi temple. Still, he kept on reading.

 _"_ _There is a balance to everything. The traits of one person can be equally good or bad, though "having an advantage" and "having a disadvantage" would be better. One can be tall and see through tall grass and at the same time, it would be difficult for them to crawl into a cave. Just like this, there is only one Force. It is dark, it is light. To focus entirely on one side is to dismiss the tall man's ability to see through the high grass or his difficulty to fit into a cave."_

… and he really was bad with metaphors. He wondered which planet he came from.

 _"_ _For that, we, the Grey Jedi, stand for mastering both sides. For without the Dark Side, there is no ambition._ Hah, he really has admitted that! Kylo chuckled in victory. " _Without the Light Side, there is no temperance."_ His grin immediately faded. " _Sisters and Brothers in the Force, hear our credo:_

 _There is no light without the dark._

 _Through passion, I gain focus._

 _Through knowledge, I gain power._

 _Through serenity, I gain strength._

 _Through victory, I gain harmony._

 _There is only the Force."_

Kylo's heart skipped a beat. It hit him with the might of a hyperdrive. His whole life was there, laid out in those words. The last decade he spent mastering the Dark Side and fighting against his Light… it's all been in vain. If there was a way to reconcile them… he would be unstoppable. He could really get everything.

The power. The order. The girl.

His vision blurred as he collapsed on the tomes that he threw off the shelves, that small booklet in his hand. He didn't want to read anything more. There was a way out of this without breaking in two. A way to _her_. Even if only halfway? He wondered if that would ever be enough for her though. She was clear about wanting him in the Light. But then again, she didn't know about this mid-way approach either. He pressed his head between his palms, just to feel that he hasn't yet lost his serenity entirely. The covers of the military books cut into his thighs.

This was insane. No one, literally NO ONE told him about this. What were they afraid of? Or were they so weak, they only could wield one side? Why didn't anyone want to master the balance? Not even his grandfather, the mightiest of all? Who were these grey Jedi anyway? Not that this mattered too much. He could not un-see what he has seen. He could not un-hear what he has understood. If only he had the guidance to achieve control over both sides…

Helplessly he gazed around. Now, it was just him and those books.

All his life, he was waiting for someone to put faith in him. To really believe in him. All his life, he was used to being guided and told what to do. Now it was all gone. He had to be his own master. He had to become the one person to put faith in himself to pull this off. Rey has started something within him, but he wasn't that kind of a prince waiting for a dame to save him.

Finally, the covers of the books became too uncomfortable. He slipped off them, still sitting on the ground, staring at them, when an idea crossed his mind. It was time to test himself.

He held out his right hand. It shook. Gritting his teeth he steadied himself and reached out to the Force, with all his soul. _Go up!_ he commanded in his mind. First, nothing happened. He swallowed hard not to lose his shit and he heard that he was panting. No, fucking hell, no…

He reached out again. _PLEASE, go the fuck UP!_ The books violently flew high, flattering their pages like squared birds. He laughed in disbelief, but quickly got to himself, guiding them to their place.

This was fun. This was going to work.

He held on tightly to the booklet.

In that minute the doors hissed open and Hux entered, in his eyes a deep contempt for finding his Supreme Leader in the library. Wasn't he supposed to know everything that was here by now? His scorn was so loud, Kylo easily could read him. His control over the Force was definitely back to some extent. He needed his loyalty, he reminded himself. And this was going a bad way. He reached out to Hux's mind, but this time, he did it gently, without him noticing it, reading his thoughts. _He wanted to be recognized. He was more qualified than Kylo to run the First Order. His strategic abilities were exceptional. He was a skilled General. His men respected him. It was time to step out of the shadows of Ren._

"General.", Kylo Ren greeted him. "I was just going to talk to you about a _strategic_ question, as the most qualified of my advisors." The sudden amicable approach has put Hux on the hold. "What did you want to talk about, _Supreme Leader_?", he pressed Kylo's title with a tangible mockery.

Now he had to come up with a convincing idea. A really good one. He couldn't yet Hux sense this idea he had, to master both sides of the Force. He needed to get away for some time to do that, but this was a fragile point.

"I want you to build a new base and construct a new fleet. You are to personally oversee the operations and every detail of it. I do not want to have a failure like that of Starkiller Base. I trust you can handle that." Good, this should put him off for a while. Scare the shit out of the Resistance and reinforce his figure of no mercy.

Hux was visibly touched by this. "Yes, Sir."

"Do you have any news on the fleeing resistance forces?"

"Not yet, Sir."

He let out a little intimidation through the Force, barely brushing Hux's mind, but it sent chills through his body.

"Get some.", he growled. Hux nodded. "You are dismissed." Hux turned on his heels. When the door closed behind the General, Kylo let out a relieved sigh.

That's when he noticed that the place in the back of his mind, where he had Rey's connect to his was numb. The connection… it was lost. It must have slipped, when he lost his control over the Force and it would take some time now to get it at his full – extended – capabilities.

Now he was out in the open space all alone again. He could, of course, hunt Rey down. There was no amount of bounty money he wasn't willing to offer for her sweet little figure, no amount of fleet he wasn't ready to sacrifice just to touch her again. But he wanted to have her willingly, still and in every way.

His eyes began to tear up in desperation. He had to have their bond back. He felt it after Snoke died for all this time, so there had to be a way to get it back. It kicked in when Rey first touched that lightsabre – _his_ lightsabre, he corrected himself. It wasn't Snoke's making, it was something in the Force. It grew stronger as Rey grew stronger in the Force. So he suspected, once he had his control back, it would kick in again. There was no time to waste.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys, it's been awfully long, but FINALLY, I had my very last exam at the university so time to write something. It might not be the best but this is a necessary chapter. Hopefully I can update now sooner, I already have planned out the next chapters and some of that is written already. I do not know at this point how long this story turns out to be. :D I welcome any tips on how to write Leia. Please leave me a review or send me a PM! :)**

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First Lesson

Rey softly knocked on the door before entering. Leia was not asleep like she should have been. Of course, she wasn't.

 _At night, desperate to sleep._

Rey could relate only too well to that dread that came with laying to rest – never knowing what your mind would make you face again. Those dark desires and the blue fear or red-hot feelings that she saw in her mind since she left Jakku… she hated them too. Part of this was the reason she managed to function on only a few hours of sleep. Unless it was a sunlit haze with a certain someone warming her, whose mother she just was about to face. Then she would sleep like a baby. Those dreams were seldom though so she preferred not to risk having any of the others and pushed herself as far as she could. Considering everything Leia has been through all her long life, and especially now… She couldn't blame her to distract herself with work. She still was the leader of the Resistance, a Resistance that now threatened to fall apart and surrender.

Leia turned her head, in front of her holograms of their stocks, their remaining ships, and personnel, to her right the maps of the nearby star system, the planet of their destination marked red. She clearly was studying something.

"You should be resting," Rey began. "And you should be flying," she answered.

They eyed each other for a moment. It was a frustration and tiredness that spoke out of them, deep-down they knew they were tortured by the same person. The one they both wanted to save or to lock up. Leia was the first one to break the ice.

"How silly of me, I'm sure the autopilot is just fine. What can I do for you?" Leia felt that Rey was on the edge of her capabilities. Yet, there was a determination in her that reminded herself so much of her younger self. Leia was disillusioned but not so cruel to take away any idea from Rey she hung onto to make herself go every day. It was her fire that kept her going too, drawing an inspiration from her naïve, young soul.

"General," Rey began, "please call me Leai", she interrupted. "Sit.", she gestured Rey to take one of the beds in the cabin. She accepted.

"Leia… I need you to teach me. I need you to teach me about politics and strategic warfare and if you can… then about the Force." She paused, afraid of the answer. Was it too much, was it too straightforward? She was way too tired to beat around the bush.

But Leia wasn't disturbed the slightest by this.

"I have expected this moment to come. In fact, if you would not have come to me, I most certainly would have approached you about this. See, Rey, I am not immortal, though the Force decided that it was not my time yet to rest at last." Rey's heart chilled at that last sentence. The underlying assumption, the assumption that Leia desired her own death… this was unexpected. Yet plausible. She tried her best not to show her shock. Leia continued. "You see… people believe in you. Even if you are not ready to lead a war – which you certainly aren't – you still can be an example for people. To keep the spark alive." She sighed. "Rey… my strength is wearing thin. My hope is breaking. I already know my son is beyond saving. He showed his true self on Crait."

That hurt Rey too much to let is pass without objection. "You are wrong." The protest slipped her mouth more harshly and quicker than she could realize. The lack of sleep was affecting her self-control. But now she couldn't take it back and honestly, she did not want to. Until she was there, she would not give up on him. On the man that had her. On the man who saved her.

Leia smiled softly because a surprising understanding fell on her. With every passing second, Rey reminded her more and more of herself when she was young. She was just as cocky as her. She already recognized what Rey not yet could. It was the same feeling she had for Han Solo. It was crazy, it was unjustifiable for everyone who was observing from the outside but little did those care who were within. It was a danger too sweet to think straight. Rey was in love. With her son. A prince and the scavenger. Them Skywalkers really had a thing for commoners.

Ben was beyond saving – beyond _her_ saving but not beyond Rey's. There was only so much a mother could do for her child. Whatever happened on that ship when they locked away Rey, it must have been the days that changed the course of this universe. And not just because of Snoke's death. Leia was not blind to not see and not a fool to deny. Those two young persons, with this incredible power… that maybe surpassed any other Jedi and Sith that walked before them… it must have been incredibly lonely for them to bear that burden. Now they met their other halves – and this was either going to be a complete destruction or the blossoming of the universe. Rey came to her to help her prepare for what was coming either way – and she was not going to deny her that. If she could indeed save her son, then she could save the universe by that. Despite his attempt to slaughter the resistance in cold blood, despite his horrid deeds, Rey still saw something within him. This was madness. This was love.

After all those years she was an expert on spotting life-changing moments and this one, right here, right now was one. Rey had to be prepared. She was strong but a raw diamond. And Leia intended to make her shine brightly in the history of the universe. But she couldn't give herself away so easily. With the same, gentle expression on her face, she mockingly answered.

"Rey, your first lesson is here. You say, _with all due respect_ , before you disagree if you speak to your superior."

That hit Rey like a slap in the face. Leia was kind but straight to the point. Learning was always frustrating to her because she was ashamed of herself when her flaws were pointed out. But she remembered the gratifying feeling when she would shed that scorn and give into doing it right. Leia meant well and they had no time for her pride to get in the way. She smiled back.

" _With all due respect, General Organa_ ," she put an emphasis on her title and Leia acknowledged it with a waggish smile – she indeed was a fast learner, "you are wrong. He is your son. But you have not seen him like I have." Rey cut up there. There was so much to tell, and the unprocessed memories rushed to her but at this point, she did not intend to address all this.

Leia smiled as her suspicion got confirmed by every word Rey spoke. She felt that Rey had a lot to tell but wasn't ready yet to do so. She will when and if she will be ready. At her age, patience came easy.

"Very well then. You know Rey how much I want to believe that my son is not yet lost. Despite everything. We've all let him down. Me, his father, Luke… We all are responsible for what he has become. But not you."

"I have let him down too." Rey's voice broke to a whisper and turned away her eyes to the ground in shame and exhaustion.

Leia searched her face. Force, they already had a history. How quickly this happened…

"Rey… it's okay to fall. What matters is that you get up and fight. If you feel like this, you already are much better off than us. Because you realized it on time and you are willing to correct your mistake."

She shook her head.

"There is no way I can change the past. He is coming for us. He is coming for me. I need to be ready."

Leia sighed. When did this scavenger get so wise? In spite of her little education and simple life. It must be the Force amplifying her senses. At the same time she wished for her she was born in another life when she could just be careless and free… but when were times like that? She herself couldn't remember any. Her life was a constant fight too. Peace was another dimension, maybe hidden in the walls of hyperspace they traveled by.

"Rey. I am not a qualified teacher but I understand what makes you think that I could help you. Listen to me carefully. If you want to face my son, you need to be a pilot like Poe, a fighter like Finn, a Jedi Master as Luke and a politician and a general like I am. This is not an easy task. Ben has a lot of advantage in that regard, as you know. For the time being, there is little I can do. You need to learn this in practice. As soon as we get to our next base, you will be coming with me to greet the hosts. War is a great business, Rey. It makes people rich and those people have no intention whatsoever to end it. You will see what we fight for, once we get there. It will be heartbreaking. It will make you hate the First Order like nothing you have seen in your life. But do not succumb to the Dark Side, Rey. This hate is in the nature of the human being. Search for the good and fight for it. I was briefly trained as a Jedi and do not know to teach you properly in that regard. At my age, I dare to say though that I am expert on politics but only because there is not much to learn about it, really. It all comes down to a simple truth: what do they tick for and how can you give it to them? What is their greatest desire? That is their weak point you need to exploit. What makes it difficult is the endless variation of it. But for you, with your refined vision, this should not be a problem," she smiled gently again.

"What about military strategy?" she never used this expression before, it was Kylo who taught her that and she vaguely understood the concept behind the words. When he spoke, she remembered how naturally these words fell from his lips, how well it suited him. From her mouth it was alien.

"You are a hungry girl." Leia sensed that this has triggered something in Rey, but decided to dismiss it and answered her question. "Look." She gestured at the holo-map of the galaxy. "This red planet is where we are heading. I chose this because I know we have some sympathizers there. Moreover, an abandoned base, hidden deep in the forest. The trees on this planet are tall, our X-Wings easy can fly underneath. Yet the First Order ships will have no idea looking from above. In close proximity, there are several inhabited planets, mining planets where we can get resources. Mandalore is close. We need to win them over to help us construct or by new ships and recruit new members. Right now, we are on the verge of extinguishing. They are really curious about you Rey, word of you travels fast in the galaxy. They already call you the Last Jedi."

"I am no Jedi," Rey protested. "That's right, but you are as close as it comes right now and why deny them their hope?" Leia said. "You can't lie to their faces point black either." She didn't like the taste of deceiving people. This was something the First Order did. Among themselves, they were honest. Weren't they?

"Rey," Leia sighed. "You cannot. Indeed. But you cannot influence everything either. You cannot stand there and explain yourself to everyone. This hope that you give them, that you give _us_ is the only thing that keeps the Resistance running. We suffered equal losses to that of the First Order. Their reputation is damaged beyond our hopes but us… we almost ceased to exist in the process. It's a deep dive. But we will recover." She smiled but her voice hid the slightest doubt within.

Rey was dizzy processing all that information.

"I need to get back to the cockpit," she said finally just to have an excuse to leave.

"No, Rey, you should let Chewie take over. You need to rest my dear and get ready. You will be stormed by people soon and you will need to smile a lot. Remember, they are looking to you. Word's spreading like fire. You defeated Kylo Ren more than once and Snoke's dead. You are a hero."

"Kylo killed him," she answered plainly. Rey wasn't going to take credit for that. She was annoyed by the constant belittling of Ben by his own mother. It was time to open her eyes to he really was. Leia froze. "He cut him in half with Luke's saber when Snoke told him to kill me. We fought the Praetorian guards together then. That's how I escaped."

Leia's heart ached to hear this. Her son… killed Snoke. Because of this girl. That Solo blood… and that Skywalker tactic of his. She truly hasn't seen him like Rey. Her eyes wide open, reconsidering everything. Rey stared at her angrily. Was there really no one in this kriffing universe who wouldn't give up on him? Not even his own mother? She felt her sympathy grow for Ben. He really had a terrible family and maybe she was better off without all this drama. At least, she only had to battler her own – very recently awoken – demons.

"When I said, you are wrong, I meant it," she continued pushing the topic. This had to be settled for once and for all. "I still believe that he can be saved. That he _should be_ saved. But I also know that he is not going to throw away everything he has been made to believe just like that. That's why I need to learn every way I can counter him. I will not give up on saving him until the last chance and maybe even one after that. But if it must be, I have to be able to strike him down."

Leia nodded. That girl's will was hard like durasteel. In another universe, she would have been grateful to be her mother-in-law. Rey was like a daughter lost to her. Her son was alienated from her but here came the opportunity to make things right. Rey was about the same age when Ben turned and Leia was not going to blow this one too.

"Get some rest, Rey. I'll go find Chewie and continue my planning elsewhere. By the way, you should start playing dejarik. My husband loved it. It's a good start for learning the basic concepts of strategy. I'm sure Chewie will be so kind to help you." With that, she grabbed her holopads and left the cabin.

Rey sighed. This was going to be difficult. Surely there was a shortcut to this. A Jedi way. She didn't have time to learn everything step by step. But for now, rest was something urgent and she quickly tucked herself in for the remainder of the flight. _Desperate to sleep._


End file.
